If you’ve never interacted with a Luo man, let me save you the trouble. A Luo man is a vibe, a whole personality, a LinkedIn bio in human form. Everything he does, says, or even implies will remind you that he is living his best soft life and somehow, you should be impressed.
I have had the...pleasure?...of “dating” two Luo men. I say "dating" in quotes because, in hindsight, I may have just been a spectator in a one-man performance. The first time was in high school. Let me tell you, I was catfished before catfishing was a thing. His photos had me believing he was built like a rugby player. I showed up, and this man was...well. Worse still, he had a mountain of laundry waiting for me. As if I had signed up for a domestic internship. When I politely declined (read: absolutely refused), he had the audacity to be angry. Imagine lying to my mother to see a man who wanted me to wash his socks. Tragic.
The second one was worse. I never realized that a man could talk about himself for 59 minutes in an hour. The remaining minute? He was on calls, probably telling more people about his greatness. A real-life TED Talk. And to add insult to injury, his baby mama was still very much in the picture. I found out when she threatened me. I was out there thinking I was in a romantic film, turns out I was in a love triangle documentary where I was the villain.
But let’s be fair. Not all Luo men are walking CVs waiting for admiration. Some of them are genuinely great. The kind who understand you, support you, and call you "Boss" even as they cover all the bills because your financial situation is best described as "prayers and vibes." One of my Luo friends never lets me pay for anything. "My boss, your money is yours, let me handle this," he says. And who am I to argue? Soft life.
Speaking of soft life, Luo men and luxury are like fish and Lake Victoria: inseparable. A Luo man will order the most expensive item on the menu, not because he wants it but because cheap things are disrespectful. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a Luo man wear shades at night, I promise.
Kisumu itself? Pure vibes. Good music, slow life, and sunsets that will make you question why you’re stressed in Nairobi. The energy is unmatched. That is, until you try bargaining in a market. "Madam, this is Kisumu, not Gikomba!" They will look at you like you personally disrespected their ancestors. Then there’s the boda boda experience: fast, fearless, and occasionally dramatic. My first ride ended with the boda guy introducing me to his brother, who, in his words, "was looking for a wife."
So, in summary, Luo men are a walking paradox. Soft yet demanding, smooth yet chaotic, generous yet expectant. They will treat you with a softness that will make you feel like royalty, but they also expect you to stick to kitchen duties, unless you’re ready to debate your existence. But hey, if you’re broke like me, just find a Luo bestie. You’ll never pay for anything again.
As we say in Kisumu, relax, enjoy, and let the Luo man dream his soft life dream.(Not my words).
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